


What if I Loved You More?

by cannotcopewithit



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ableism, Actually kind of important in the story, Alternate Universe - 1980s, Alternate Universe - 1990s, M/M, Messy Divorce, Period-Typical Homophobia, Slow Build, Time Skips, Warning- Mention of Suicide Attempt, children everywhere, mentions of aids, some mentions of religion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:27:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26452588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cannotcopewithit/pseuds/cannotcopewithit
Summary: He looks down at his hands. There on his ring finger sits a ring. A ring which ties him to a life of being untrue to himself. He just can't continue this way.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Past Sirius Black/Original Female Character(s), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Finally actually posting this, I pray for no mistakes :(((

**The Beginning**

**Wednesday, September 26 st 1984**

The streets of London were practically empty as the rain poured and soaked through his clothes. His black curls lay limply just over his shoulders, dripping. He just couldn’t bring himself to care. Everything seemed so grim in his life these days he was just living day to day. Sirius couldn’t pinpoint an exact time where he started feeling this way but at this point it felt like forever.

He made his way up the street, each one morphing into the other. From his watch he could see it was approaching 9pm, five hours after the time he said he would be home, but he couldn’t bring himself to walk that direction. He didn’t know where he was heading for a while until he turned up on a familiar street, James and Lily’s. It was quiet with only the sound of rain hitting the pavement, slowly Sirius made his way up the footpath until he was stopped outside the gate he’d stood outside a million times before.

Pushing the gate open he walked up to the house and stopped at the door. He hesitated. His brain flickered and suddenly he couldn’t remember why he was there, why he’d sent himself there. He could see the light on in the living room to the right of the door and also a light on in the bathroom upstairs, no doubt one of the two giving 3-year-old Harry a bath before bed.

From outside the door Sirius could see the perfect domestic life being lived out by his best friend and his wife. Two people living harmoniously together, constantly bouncing off each other and having the same goal in life, to be happy together. Sirius, still in the pouring rain, looked down at his hands and could see the glint of the wedding ring symbolising his own marriage. He could see his wife, Lia, at home now singing a lullaby to his own children, Matthew and Noah. Suddenly Sirius’ breath caught in his throat and he realised he was crying, oh god what a mess he must look. He did not realise he was making any noise until a head looked through the curtains in the living room and then the front door opened revealing the worried and slightly confused face of Lily Potter. She did not hesitate to pull him inside from the rain and bring him towards the kitchen. She sat him in a chair at the kitchen table.

“You gave us an awful fright this evening, my love. Lia has been calling all over, we had no idea where you’d gone,” she said, bent down in front of him, one hand rubbing slowly on his arm. She looked around the kitchen and hesitated before continuing, “I’ll run up and get Jamie for you and some nice warm clothes and then we can call Lia, how does that sound?”

He couldn’t bring himself to speak so he just nodded and then she was gone. He could hear her quick footsteps up the stairs and then some hushed voices. He then heard his best friend’s footsteps coming down the stairs. At this he felt more panicked, he brought a hand to his hair and pulled at it, the other he brought to his mouth, he left out a stifled sob, all of sudden he couldn’t stop the tears from coming. He felt a hand guiding his own away from his hair, he could feel James in front of him, but he couldn’t open his eyes, he didn’t want to see his expression.

He doesn’t know how long they stayed like that, James clutching his hand while the other rested on his knee, “Sirius, can you tell me what’s wrong? You’re starting to scare us.” He could hear how gentle James’ tone is, the kind he uses when speaking to Harry after he has had a nightmare. He opened his eyes, vision blurred by tears, but he could make out his friends worried hazel eyes. His eyebrows knitted and frowning. He could see Lily standing behind him, bundle of clothes in her hand, he couldn’t remember hearing her come back. At the sight of the clothes he felt the cold of his own rain-soaked clothes on his skin. “Sirius?” James pulled him from his thoughts again.

“I don’t know, I’m probably just being stupid really.” he replied, he tried to laugh but instead another sob left his lips, he saw the married couple glance at each other, clearly not believing him.

“Why don’t you go get changed, love, get yourself nice and warm and we can sit down over a nice cuppa. Sound good?” Lily’s voice cut through. He nodded and stood. He took the clothes off her and made his way to the downstairs bathroom under the stairs.

He caught his face in the mirror and looked away, red and splotchy. He dressed as quickly as possible into what must be James’ pyjamas, given the length, and made his way back to the kitchen with his wet clothes in his hand.

When he entered the kitchen he couldn’t help but feel like a small child with James and Lily standing by the sink whispering with worried looks on their faces. When Lily noticed him, in the doorway, she took his wet clothes off him and let him sit down. She then went to check on Harry upstairs, Sirius knew that was just an excuse to leave him and James on their own.

Sirius sat in silence while James made them both a cup of tea. A cup is placed in front of him and James sat across the table from him. Sirius played with the handle of his mug not looking up, James sighed, once again in his gentle tone he spoke, “Look, Sirius, if something bad has happened we can fix it. Nothing can ever be so bad that you can’t find a resolution. Unless you’ve killed someone,” James attempted to joke, when he didn’t get a response he continued, “Wait, you haven’t accidentally killed someone, have you?”

Sirius scoffed, “Of course not, I might kill myself though, that might make things easier.” Sirius looked up to see a pained expression across James’ face.

“You don’t get to make jokes about that, it’s not funny, you don’t get to say that.” James replied, hurt evident in his voice.

“No, you’re right, I’m sorry.”

“So, what’s the matter? If you tell me I might be able to help.” James tried again.

Sirius nodded and left out a breath. He took his mug into his hands and took a sip, ignoring the burning on his tongue, he took another and then put his mug back on the table. “I don’t know how to say it and if I say it, then it’s out there and I can’t take it back.” He choked a bit on the last word.

James reached out and took his hand, “Whatever it is, we can work through this.”

Sirius sighed, took back his hand, and covered his face. He took a few breaths, “I don’t think I love Lia the way she loves me.” Sirius couldn’t bear to look up at James face. He waited and then a sob escaped his mouth. There is a scrape of a chair on the floor before an arm is wrapped around his shoulder.

“Hey, it’s ok, let’s talk about this. You’ve got a new baby in the house, its stressful, you’re bound to be feeling very out of place,” James comforted him, “I’m sure you’re both just not around each other as much. Plus, you’ve just started a new project in your job.”

Sirius knew he was only trying to help but it somehow made him feel worse, thinking about his two kids at home, one only 5 months old, “That’s not what I meant, I meant ever, I don’t think I ever loved her.”

“What are you talking about, of course you do. You’ve just got baby blues since she’s not giving you all her attention for once. You were childhood sweethearts, maybe you just need some time alone together to remember why you both fell in love with each other.” James tried, oblivious to the fact he was failing. When Sirius didn’t reply he continued, “How about you stay here tonight, and we can have you, Lia and the kids over for dinner tomorrow.”

“No, James, I can’t go back, please don’t make me go back.” Sirius pleaded.

“What are you going on about, mate? You have to go back home. You can’t stay here forever.” James replied slightly confused.

“I just can’t go back I can’t keep pretending. I can’t do that to our family.”

“Well, hiding from her isn’t going to help your family either. I’m sure you’ll feel better when you see her again,” James tried, “Hey, why don’t we call her and tell her you’re here and you can talk for a few minutes.”

With that Sirius was up off his chair, almost knocking James over. His eyes wide, “No, don’t call her, she can’t know I’m here.”

“Sirius, you’re really starting to scare me. She’s been looking for you all evening, she deserves to know where you are.”

“Can’t you just pretend you didn’t see me? I can be gone tomorrow morning, it won’t even be that much of a lie, just pretending I’m not here.” Sirius said panicked.

James was getting angry now, he didn’t know what had come over his friend, close to shouting he said, “Sirius, you are actually taking the mick, you can’t seriously expect us to do that? And besides where are you going to go? To work? And what if she asked someone there where you were, do you expect them just to lie to her for the rest of your life? Grow up a bit, you can’t be acting like a child Sirius, you’re married, with two kids might I add.” Then Lily walked in. Sirius is now facing the door and she could see the distraught expression on his face. She walked up to her husband and took a packet of cigarettes and lighter from her pocket, “Jamie, here take one and cool off.” He took the packet and stalked past Sirius, out the back door, leaving the door slam behind him.

“I swear if he wakes Harry up, he has to settle him back down,” Lily said trying to ease the destressed expression on Sirius’ face with no avail. “Why don’t we go to the living room and sit somewhere more comfortable?” She guided him through the door to the living room and seated him on an armchair. She could see tears beginning to form in his eyes again, took his hand and looked him in the eye then very calmly said, “Sirius, you can’t keep this all bottled inside. You have to tell us what you’re thinking.” She sat on the arm of the chair and pulled him into her.

He sniffed a few times before breathing and muttering out something incoherently, she turned to him, “My love, I can’t hear what you’re saying.”

Sirius groaned, Lily could hear that he was frustrated, then he said something she was not expecting, “I think I like men.”

Startled she stayed silent but a small ‘Oh’ slipped from her mouth. He looked up at her and then his face crumbled again and he began to sob.

“Hey, its ok. Think about it loads of people like both men and women these days. Hey, you can be our own Bowie, right?” In her bid to cheer him up she left him more upset.

He shook his head and said, “I don’t mean both Lily,” he looked up at her tears tracking down his cheeks, “I mean only.” He looked down ashamed and then whispered, “I know it’s not right.”

Lily looked at him startled, “Sirius, you don’t have to change anything about yourself, you’re perfect just the way you are. Let’s talk about this, what has happened to make you realise this?” Lily tried.

Sirius’ hands were shaking as he rubbed them off the pyjama pants he was wearing, wiping sweat off his hands, “No, James is right, I should just go home. Lia is probably worried sick.” He tried to smile at Lily but completely failed. They heard the back door open and close and then James appeared in the living room doorway. Sirius could smell a waft of cigarette smoke as James walked into the room.

“I’m sorry I went off on you like that, Siri, it’s just the last time you acted like this we found you hanging in a bathroom,” James said, leaning against the door running his hand through his already messy hair. Looking at him now, Sirius can see his eyes are red, presumably from crying, “I just really don’t want that to happen again.”

“Sirius, why don’t you tell James what you told me?” Lily suggests.

He looked over to James, “Jamie, I’m really sorry for scaring you. I’m ok, I swear I won’t let things get that bad again. I’ll go to the church tomorrow to ask for some answers.” he said playing with the cross and chain around his neck.

James frowned, “Is that where you were before you came here? What could you possibly need to go there for? What are you praying for?” James said, slightly confused at this point. He always knew Sirius was religious, but it wasn’t anything other than wearing a cross and chain and going to mass every Sunday. This just seemed strange.

“Sirius, I really think you should tell James what you told me.” Lily suggested again using her softest tone.

“I think I’m just going to call Lia. It’s getting late and I don’t want her to worry too much, she should know where I am.” Sirius said, moving to get up out of the chair.

“Yeah sure, mate, the phones in the hall, you know where.” James said smiling. Lily could have strangled him at how oblivious he was being.

“No, I’m sorry, but Sirius you have to tell James what you told me. You’re only making things harder by prolonging it.”

“Lils, he already told me about his doubts with his marriage. Obviously, he’s worked it out, leave the man call his wife.” James said confused, again.

“That’s not what I’m talking about. Sirius, tell James.” Lily turned to Sirius, blocking him from being able to leave the room. With them both standing she is looking straight into his eyes, them both being the same height. She can see tears starting to form in the corner of his eyes again.

“No, Lily, I’ll go to my church tomorrow. I’m probably just confused at the moment. I don’t need to tell James, it will all be resolved soon. They’ll help me take the true path. I don’t want to burden you with my problems.” Across the room James is becoming increasingly confused at the further mention of going to church again.

“Sirius, maybe you should just tell me. It’s obviously important if Lily keeps mentioning it. It can’t be that bad.” He offered Sirius a smile.

Sirius became upset again, clearly seeing no way of avoiding the topic now, “Please, Lily, don’t make me say it again. It’ll go away. It’s just my brain trying to mess with me. Make me something I’m not.”

“Sirius, I’m not going to force you, but remember, we’re your friends, there isn’t possibly anything we could want to change about you. We love you no matter what.” Lily took his hand once again.

Sirius cleared his throat, he could feel a lump form in the back of it, he could now see the worried expressions mirrored on James and Lily’s faces. Rushed he says, “Ugh… I think I like men.” Looking at James he saw his eyebrows rise and eyes widen. He opened his mouth to say something when the living room door from the hallway opened.

“Daddy, I think there’s a monster in my wardrobe again,” a sleepy 3 year old Harry said, same messy hair as James, he looked around the room and saw Sirius and smiled showing off one of his missing front teeth, “Siri! Are we having a sleepover?!” He ran over and hugged Sirius’ legs.

“Not a fun one today I’m afraid, maybe we could have a fun one sometime soon and Matthew could come too, how does that sound?” He bent down and gave Harry a hug, which was reciprocated.

“Come on Harry,” Lily said, “Why don’t I help you with this monster of yours? Did you know Mummies are far better at scaring them off than Daddies?”

Harry bid them one more goodnight before being picked up by his mother and brought upstairs. The tension in the room having dissipated when the 3 year old came into the room has yet to return.

Both men left in the room sat in the armchairs which are on opposite ends of the room. James is the first to speak, “You know loads of people like both men and women these days, it’s pretty cool. Are you upset because you didn’t try and find some men before getting married?” As he spoke Lily walked back into the room. She looked over at Sirius and saw his face in his hands again.

“Hun, Sirius doesn’t mean both.” Lily said to James.

“What do you mean, of course he does, he’s married to a woman and has two kids with her. I don’t think someone who only liked men could do that.” James replied.

“Oh, shut up James, you really can be thick sometimes,” Sirius burst out, “I’m going to call my wife and we can talk about this tomorrow. I’m tired.” James and Lily looked at each other and Lily rolled her eyes at him before leading Sirius out to the phone.

She dialled the number for him and handed him the phone. He heard the ringing tone three times before the phone is picked up, “Black residence, Roselia speaking.”

“Lia, it’s Sirius.”

“Sirius, thank God, where have you been? I’ve been worried sick, no call, nothing, I had to put Matthew to bed while he asked where his father is. Where are you now?”

“I’m in James and Lily’s.”

“And why are you there and not here, at home, with your family.” He can tell she’s angry but she’s holding back.

“Look, Lia, I’m sorry, I’m tired. I don’t really want to get into it now. I just called so you wouldn’t worry, can we talk tomorrow?”

“About 6 hours too late but fine, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Stay safe…” there’s a pause and then, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” The words taste sour on his tongue, “Give the boys a kiss each from me.”

“I will, Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

The phone line went flat. He leant his head against the wall and groaned feeling tears well up in his eyes again. Lily, who he forgot was still there, placed a hand on his back. “Come on, let’s get you to bed, tomorrow is going to be hard.” Lily lead him up to the spare bedroom and told him goodnight. Once in the bedroom he climbed into the bed. He lay there for a few minutes before climbing back out of the bed and onto his knees on the floor where he began his prayers of forgiveness. It was going to be a long night.

When he woke up the next morning, he could hear movement in the kitchen downstairs. He looked around the room and remembered where he was and the previous night came back to him. He groaned and rolled over. He saw the clock on the side locker and could see it was around 8:30 in the morning. It was a Thursday, his day off, so he had nowhere to be. He lay facing away from the door unmoving. He heard the door open, he just waited, then he heard the sound of small feet across the floor and suddenly a small body was on top of his.

He turned over and Harry pressed his face close to Sirius’ and looked him in his eyes, “Gooooooood morning, mummy said not to wake you but I’m going to school soon and I wanted to tell you to have a nice day.” Harry said, energy only children had at this time in the morning radiating off him. Sirius rolled him off his body and sat up, then pulled Harry back on to him.

“Well, I would have been mad if anyone else woke me, but you, Harry Potter, are the best waker-upper ever! So how could I ever be mad at you.” He tickled Harry’s sides as he says this causing the boy to squeal and squirm away. Sirius left go and Harry hopped off the bed and gave him one more goodbye before leaving to go back downstairs. He could hear Lily talking to him at the end of the stairs before he heard James call a goodbye from the top of the stairs and the front door was slammed leaving the house silent.

A floorboard creaked outside the room he was in and a hesitant James appeared in the doorway. “Do you want to talk about last night or should we eat first?” James asked.

“Eat first, I’m hungry. Then we can talk.” Sirius replied tentatively.

“Take a shower if you want. Some of your old clothes are in the wardrobe, I don’t know if they still fit, but it’s worth a try. I’ll go put the kettle on and make some brekkie.” James said before leaving and going downstairs.

He got up out of the bed and went across to the bathroom. Once in the shower he let all his thoughts wash away. Sirius made his way over to the wardrobe and found a shirt and slacks which are in his size. Once he was dressed he went downstairs to the kitchen. James was sitting at the table with the newspaper eating a slice of toast. He looked up when Sirius walked into the room, “Wow, you choose that, back when you lived here you wouldn’t have been caught dead wearing that.” James joked and Sirius cracked a smile and nodded while shrugging his shoulders, “There’s some toast in the toaster and eggs on the hob. Coffee’s in the pot.” Once Sirius got a plate and a cup of coffee he sat across from James, similar position to what they were in the night before. They ate in silence until James spoke again.

“I was a bit of a dick last night. Sorry, it was just a lot to take in, I want you to know though that you have my full support.” James reassured him. “So, what word do you want to use?”

Sirius could feel his face redden, he sat back and ran a hand over his face, he cleared his throat, “Gay, I guess.” He looked down at his hands and then back up to James. James smiled across at him, one of his genuine ones.

“All right, cool, gay it is.” He reached over and squeezed Sirius’ arm.

Looking down at his plate Sirius exclaimed, “Fuck, it’s just hitting me how shit today is going to be,” he exhaled, “And fuck me, Lia is going to kill me.”

James shook his head, “As infuriating as you are at times, no one is going to try and kill you Sirius. I’m not saying this isn’t going to break her, but she’ll learn to understand that it’s for the best.”

Sirius looked up at James, “Wow, Jamie, thinking of going into motivational speaking?”

“Sirius I’m being… God I can’t believe I’m about to say this after all these years… Sirius, I’m being serious. You are about to tell her something no wife wants to hear from her husband, once you tell her you’re not going to be the same anymore. You won’t be Sirius, Lia and family, you be Sirius and Lia, separate.” Sirius raised his eyebrows. “I’m not saying this to scare you, I’m saying this to prepare you. You don’t know how she’s going to react. You might have to gear up for the fight of your life for your kids.”

“Hang on, why are you bring Matty and Noah into this. If this is about me being able to make them or something, I swear they are actually mine.” Sirius looked at him with his eyebrows furrowed.

James shook his head, “Sirius, you’ve got a divorce heading your way, a divorce which will favour Lia in all sorts of ways. Especially anything to do with your kids. The courts hate taking kids from their mother and I’m sorry, the courts aren’t overly progressive, if you get a bad judge, your sexuality being the reason for the divorce could be the ruining of you.”

“James you’re getting too lawyery for me. I don’t even know how Lia is going to react, hell, I barely know how you and Lily reacted. Can we not talk about this yet.” Sirius picked up his coffee again and takes another drink.

“Yeah ok, we’ll talk once you tell her…” James sat back and looked unsettled, “I don’t know how to ask you this…”

“You’re going to ask me how long I’ve known, aren’t you?” Sirius deadpanned, James nodded in reply. “Remember our A Levels year..”

“Fuck, that far back, you started seeing Lia that year.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “James, please let me finish.” He took a sip of his coffee, “Well you moved just before November and I guess I had a hard time adjusting to life without you… I don’t think I’ve ever told you any of this,” he looked at James apologetically, “it’s a long story but basically my grades were shit, and I mean way more shit than usual. I got my Christmas results back and basically failed everything. I think they wanted to kick me out of the school at that stage but because Papa was giving them so much money they had to keep me on. Anyway, I got my results on a Tuesday, I think and on the Wednesday we were playing St. Guideons. I knew a few guys on the team from one of the summer rugby camps, well one guy in particular. We’d kissed once and both avoided each other for the rest of the camp. Then when we went to the school for the rugby match, I went and said hi and pulled him around the back of the locker rooms and kissed him.” Sirius sighed running his hand through his hair.

“So, like you kissed and you knew? Was he a bad kisser or something, is that why you started going for girls?” Sirius could have laughed at the confused look on his friend’s face.

He rolled his eyes, “Jamie his kissing skills didn’t turn me straight, actually it did the opposite.”

“Sorry I just don’t get it, I’m being ignorant, I know. Why are you married to a woman again?”

“Well, someone, I don’t know who, saw me kiss him and I guess told everyone in our year. Wasn’t the best year for me to be honest.” He said looking down, a little ashamed at not telling his friend this before.

James frowned, “You never told me this.”

Sirius shrugged, “I guess I was a bit ashamed, you sounded like you were having such a great time in your new school and I didn’t want to burden you with my life.”

“But you still had a pretty good year? Right? I mean you were even on the winning team for the rugby tournament, people can’t have cared that much?” Sirius went red and scratched the back of his neck, “Wait, were the rest of the team assholes to you? I mean most of them were dickheads anyway.”

Sirius’ face went more red, “Well, yeah they were assholes, but I guess I expected that.” He felt his eyes well up and groaned, “Ugh… I don’t know why I’m getting upset at this. Fuck. I mean it happened over ten years ago.” He rubbed his eyes in a bid to stop the tears from coming.

“Did something else happen? Sorry I brought it up.” James frowned across at his friend.

“Yeah, I suppose you could say that,” Sirius’ voice cracked and he paused, waiting for the lump in his throat to clear, “eh… I guess I should just say it, four of the guys from the team ambushed me and left me out cold by the locker rooms. I guess I got hit in the head pretty hard because I still can’t actually remember who did it, or it even happening. Reggie found me a few hours later covered in blood. Scared him half to death, I think. Anyway, I was in the hospital for two weeks and it was suggested that I quit the rugby team since my recovery time would take so long, so I did.”

James had the same look on his face he did when Sirius woke up in the hospital after his suicide attempt, a look of defeat, sadness, pity and anger all rolled into one. “Fuck me, whoever did that to you deserves to rot. They’re supposed to be your teammates and then they do something like that. Is that why you never played after school? I thought you just grew out of it.” James scrubbed his hands over his face, “God, I feel like a shitty friend.” then he stopped still, “Wait, I used to write to Regulus too, how come he never mentioned anything?”

Sirius shrugged, “He was pretty ashamed of me that year Jamie, a rumour about me and another boy together was something he really didn’t want more people than necessary to know about. I don’t blame him really.” he paused, “And the rugby thing, well everyone was playing with their university and I didn’t get into university, so I guess I just didn’t want to play anymore.”

James nodded in understanding, “Well, fuck, I wish he’d told me.”

“He was also under strict instruction from my parents to diffuse the rumours in the lower years, he managed quite well to be fair. I don’t know what he told them but eventually no one talked to me, which was better than people constantly saying slurs or insults to you.”

“Of course your parents would have done that. God,” he looked at Sirius, “no offense when I say this, but I hate your parents.”

Sirius lifted his cup, “Cheers to that.”

“But you had Peter, right? I mean I know he was quiet and kind of annoying…” James paused, “Actually I have no idea what he’s doing anymore.”

“Pfff, as if I care, that little rat was only friends with us for you, thought the sun actually shone out of your ass,” Sirius rolled his eyes, “He dropped me and found some other poor bastard that he could steal notes from.”

James gave his friend a more displeased look, “God, I feel like such a dick, all I used to write to you about was my new friends and what we used to be doing. Fuck…”

“It’s not your fault, I could’ve told you but I just didn’t want to seem needy I guess,” he shrugged and emptied his coffee.

James reached out and took his cup, “Here, I’ll get you more. So, your parents found out about the rumours?”

“Yeah, Reggie told them, and they told Father Michael.” He said nonchalant.

James turned, eyes wide, “They told the principal?! Holy shit. _Sirius._ That man was all kinds of fucked up. Didn’t he say some shit about gay people when we were in Year 12?

“God shall save you if your actions reflect those of Gods teachings, I believe were his exact words. Yeah, well, I had to go to his office one evening every week to discuss my options for my future.”

“Like university and job prospects?”

“Kind of, I guess everyone was kind of resigned to the fact I wouldn’t get into university anyway. More like life prospects. Like marriage and kids and stuff.” James looked unsettled at his friend.

“Sirius… that’s all kinds of fucked.”

“I don’t know, I guess he just wanted me to succeed in some aspect of my life,” Sirius shrugged and sighed, “like show me what the right thing to do was. You know marry a woman.”

James shook his head and gave Sirius a look he couldn’t quite read, “See, this is what I don’t get, one minute your talking about it like everything is fine but then you go and say stuff like that. Right for who? I mean if the marriage is just going to end in tears then why is it right.”

Sirius gave James a look, “Right in the eyes of God. I mean isn’t that what everyone is told, marry a nice girl, have nice children, live happy, die happy. I don’t know. I mean being… into men… was… isn’t an option for that life.”

James gave him a look of disbelief, “What do you mean? What life? Life can be whatever you want it to be, no one can tell you how you’re supposed to act or who to fall in love with.”

“Yeah, but I’m giving up my chance of love. And my chance of having a nice family life.”

James frowned, “You’ll still be a family, just not in the same way, but family no less.”

“Yeah, but like you said it’ll be Lia and the boys and then me to the side, on my own. Plus, she can get remarried.”

“Sirius, you can fall in love with a man. It can be you, whoever this man might be, the boys and then Lia and someone for her.” James replied.

“But it just won’t be right. How could we really be in love if we can’t even get married.”

“Marriage isn’t everything. It’s just a few pages to sign and a ring on your finger. Sure, it can solidify things further but if you really love someone who says you’ve to be married to show it?”

Sirius gave him a dumb look, “Literally everyone Jamie, the entire world. It’s meant to solidify the whole ‘what’s mine is yours’.”

“That’s only legal stuff not actual love. Who gives a crap about whether the government thinks you’re in a legally binding relationship?”

“Yeah, but I care about what God thinks,” he fiddled with the cross and chain around his neck, “He’s the only opinion I care about.”

“So, what, you’re now going to submit to a life of “sin”,” he used his fingers for air quotes, “all because of what a book says?”

Sirius gave him a pained look, “I shouldn’t have expected you to understand.” He looks down and plays with a loose thread on his shirt. “And it’s not just a _book_ , it’s the word of God.”

James shook his head, “Ok, sorry, it’s not my religion, I shouldn’t be disrespectful.” James pushed out a breath, “Maybe you could tell me why this is such a bad thing… in the eyes of God.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Jeez you’d swear you didn’t go to catholic boarding schools for half your life,” he teased, “Well, men and women make children together. The fruit of life. Two men or two women can’t do that. I mean God has given us AIDs too, obviously he’s trying to rid gay people of their sins by killing them off.”

“You can’t seriously think that.”

“I don’t know what I think anymore. I mean I don’t think I deserve to be this way, obviously God doesn’t think that way.”

“Sirius, you’re not a bad person. You can’t help who you love, gender, personality, physical features. Love is love.” James stood up and took both of their plates as he was talking. He put them in the sink and leant back against it. Sirius picked up the discarded newspaper on the table. He looked at the back of the page James was on and frowned, “Do you need help reading it?”

“No, thanks, the first word is AIDs and the second is gay, it can’t be anything good.”

“Well, what do they know?” James turned to walk out the kitchen door, “I’m going to brush my teeth, there’s a spare brush in the big bathroom upstairs if you want it.” With that both men made their way upstairs. Once they both were ready they headed downstairs and James suggested they go for a walk. “Here’s your jacket from last night, Lily had it in the alcove out the back so it should be fully dry,” he pulled out keys, a wallet, a box of cigarettes and a lighter and smiled, “here you go, they’re the only thing this bloody jacket kept dry.”

“Thanks, I guess I’ll be grateful for some dry fags today… oh fuck can I say that anymore?” The two men looked at each other and then burst out laughing.

“Christ, I guess I’ll have to ask for ciggies now, or worse I’ll have to ‘bum a smoke’.” James cried in his worst American accent.

“Sorry J, we gays own the best word for cigarettes.” Sirius gave him a wink as they walked out the door and down the road. They decided to go to the park near James and Lily’s, the two men walk silently there while Sirius chain smoked two cigarettes. Once in the park they took a seat on one of the benches by the lake. They sat for a while just watching as people walked by and commented when a duck did something interesting (put their head underwater).

“God, I remember when you went through your phase of drawing ducks _constantly_!” James exhaled, “And I had to entertain the idea that all these duck paintings were fantastic, ugh, couldn’t you just have chosen a more interesting animal!” he laughed and Sirius pushed him.

“You mean the ones I drew when I was jobless and living with you and Lily for two years?” James looks at him and nodded, one eyebrow raised, “I’ll have you know Jamie those ducks were some of my finest work and you had the pleasure of seeing them before the world. You should be honoured.” Sirius said, feigning hurt. “Well, now I know how you feel you’ll never see any of my fine paintings ever again!”

They sat and talked for a while until Sirius looked at his watch and decided it would be best for him to go home. He leant back on the bench and put his head back and groaned. James put his arm around his shoulder and rubbed his arm. “Hey, everything will be fine, call me later to tell me how it goes.” The two men got up from the bench and made their way out of the park. They both were heading in opposite directions, so James hugged him at the entrance of the park and gave him another nod of encouragement.

Sirius headed for the tube. Once he was in the station he decided to take the longer route home to give him some time to think. He stopped just around the corner from his house and took a minute before walking up to the door, unlocking it, and walking inside.

The first thing that hit him when he walked inside is the smell of the house, the usual mix of Lia’s perfume, the same she had worn since she was 17, and the smell of them as a family. The second thing is how quiet it was. He called out and got no answer. He walked into the kitchen to make a cup of tea when he heard the front door unlock and then Lia’s voice along with Matthew’s.

“Sirius? Are you in?”

“Yeah, I’m in the kitchen, do you want a cuppa?” he replied, before he can get a response back there was a screech of “DADDY” and then he could hear Matthew’s footsteps running towards the kitchen. He ran through and jumped into Sirius’ arms.

“I missed you last night daddy, I wanted to show you my drawings from playgroup.” Matthew looked up at his father from where he was hugging his shoulder.

“Sorry, Matty, I was at James and Lily’s house last night, how about you run up and get them to show me now?” he left Matthew down and the boy ran out the door again to go up to his room. A moment after he leaves Lia walked into the room with Noah on her hip. She looked over at him and smiled.

“I’ll have a cuppa, thanks,” she looked down at Noah on her hip and spoke, “Do you want to say hello to daddy? Yeah?! Oh, of course you do!” she walked over and passed Noah to Sirius and gave Sirius a peak on his cheek. Sirius gave the child a small cuddle and then got him settled comfortably, the baby idly played with one of his shirt buttons and babbled. Lia walked over to the other side of the kitchen and stood by the window. The midday sun caught her features and Sirius couldn’t help but see how beautiful she was. Her hair was light brown and curly falling just below her shoulders. She had half of it pinned up and the rest fell perfectly. She was wearing flat shoes, so she stood a few inches smaller than Sirius. She turned and smiled at Sirius. “How’re James and Lily? We’ve not had dinner with them in a while.”

Sirius hummed, “Good, yeah. They said we should all go over for dinner soon.” He heard the kettle click off and went over to hand Noah to Lia, she took him and he made them both a cup of tea, then placed them both on the kitchen table. Lia made her way over to the table and sat down next to Sirius. Matthew soon came back into the kitchen holding multiple sheets of paper. He walked over to his father and put the sheets of paper on the table before proceeding to climb onto Sirius’ lap.

“This one is of all of us, this is Noah, he’s the small one because he is tiny.” Sirius smiled and nodded, “This is a dog, I like dogs, can we get a dog daddy?” Matthew looked up at his father.

“Not right now, maybe when Noah is older.” His son pouted and looked back at his pictures.

“This is our house, that’s the front door. That’s my bedroom, that’s Noah’s bedroom and that’s the tv room.” Matthew lifted the page and put it right in front of Sirius’ face. “Can you see it?”

Sirius laughed, “Yes Matty, I can see it.” He took the pages from his son and declared his love for them before telling Matthew to put on some cartoons.

The husband and wife sat in silence until Sirius spoke, “I’m sorry for worrying you yesterday.”

Lia hummed, “We have a baby, Sirius. I don’t have time to be running around after my husband as well as my children.” She looked him in the eyes and then looked out the window and took a drink from her cup. “Where were you anyway? I rang Johnny and he said you finished work at 1. You rang me at the Potters at ten last night.”

“I went to the Church and then I went for a walk.”

“As if, it was lashing rain since 5 yesterday evening. Why were you in Church? Are you thinking of volunteering cause I think you’d be better off spending that time at home, with your kids.” Lia replied. “I’m going to go have a shower. Can you mind the boys for a bit?” Sirius nodded and took Noah from her. He went into the living room and sat on the couch.

He put his head back and relaxed with Noah on his chest. He felt the couch move and then small arms wrap around his neck. He opened his eyes and smiled at Matthew and gave him a hug, “I missed you last night.”

“Me too daddy.” He climbed off the couch and sat in front of his drawings again. This time he had a fresh piece of paper in front of him. “What will I draw? Mummy was sad so I want to make her happy.”

Sirius nodded, “Draw her a purple flower, her favourite colour is purple and she loves flowers.”

Matthew nodded and started on the task while Sirius flicked through the channels and stopped on the news. He played with Noah on the couch while the news was running in the background. “God, it’s horrible isn’t it?”

Sirius looked up at Lia in the doorway, her hair now up in a towel. “Sorry, what is?”

She pointed at the tv, “That, awful. I mean they’re all out there on the streets spreading it around. I mean how can we keep our kids safe?” Sirius looked over to the tv to see another news report about the AIDs pandemic. He sighed and turned back to Noah.

“James said he and Lily can take Matty and Noah for the night.”

Lia looked at him, “We gave Matthew his name for a reason, can you please call him that. Why would they need to take our kids?”

Sirius shrugged, “I guess I just thought we had some things to discuss.” Lia frowned.

“Do we?”

Sirius shrugged again, “I mean I have something to discuss with you.” He looked at his two sons and then back to his wife, “And I’d prefer for the kids not to be here when I do.”

Lia looked down at her watch and walked over to Noah, “This little guy needs a feed, can you get Matthew started on his homework. It’s just a few spellings for tomorrows spelling test.” She lifted Noah and walked back over to the couch to feed him.

Sirius walked over Matthew and told him to get his bag from the hall, he made his way into the kitchen and cleared a space on the counter for Matthew to sit. Matthew walked into the room with his bag in hand and up to the counter seat. He pulled out a book and three sheets, “These are my spellings for this week. I think I’ll get ten tomorrow and get another gold star. This week is really easy!” He opened the book and pushed it over to Sirius. “You have to choose a word on the page and then I’ll spell it.”

Sirius pushed the book back to his son, “Matty, you know I can’t read. You’ve to tell me the words and then I’ll choose them.”

The boy looked back wide eyed and nodded, “Sorry, mummy usually does it with me, eh… Star, bar, stairs, cares, wear, bear, stare, hair, pair, fair…” He continued on until he finished the list of twenty words. He flipped the book closed and opened a blank page ready for his dad to begin saying words.

“Ok, stairs… star… hair… cares… happen…” He continued on until he had reached ten words. “Eh, we’ll wait until your mum is finished and then she can check them” He looked over to the small nodding boy, “But I’m sure you got them all correct, you’re a clever little thing. Now shall we have lunch.” The six year old nodded and Sirius began to make them all lunch. Halfway through making lunch Lia appeared, Noah-less.

“I’ve put Noah down for a nap,” She looked over at Sirius, “What are you making?”

“Just some sandwiches, can you check Matty’s spellings?” Sirius turned back to chopping some salad and he could hear Lia speaking to Matthew about his spellings and praising him. Sirius fixed up their sandwiches, he turned and placed them in front of each of them.

“I’ll call Lily after lunch to see how we can get the boys to theirs later.”

Matthew looked at his parents wide eyed, “I’m having a sleepover… on a school night?! So cool!”

Sirius laughed, “Yes but you still have to go to bed early so you can be ready to get full marks in your test tomorrow.”

Lia called the Potters after lunch and spent the day at the kitchen table doing work, she was going back after maternity leave in a month and wanted to be prepared. Sirius spent the day entertaining both children. When 5 o’clock came around James appeared at the front door. Sirius answered and James gave him a tight smile. He didn’t stay long, just for a cup of tea, he left with the two boys around 6 and the house was left in silence.

Lia started making the dinner and Sirius went upstairs for a shower. When he got to their bedroom he packed a bag with his work clothes and night clothes, he had a feeling he wasn’t going to be staying there that night. Once he was showered and dressed again he made his way downstairs. When he entered the kitchen Lia was just plating up the dinner. He walked over and set the table for the two of them and they sat and ate in silence.

“You know if you want to discuss something usually that means you have to talk.” Lia looked up from her dish.

Sirius nods, “I know, I’m just hungry.” A silence comes over them again. Lia continued to look at him and then rolled her eyes and went back to eating. “I guess I should start.”

“You sound serious… what no joke about your name?”

“Eh… yeah. Well, what I’m about to tell you is going to make you mad.” He looked up to look at Lia’s face, “Like really mad.”

Lia puts her knife and fork down, “I swear if you’ve cheated on me…”

“I haven’t… oh fuck.” Sirius put his face in his hands, “I’m just going to say it. I’m gay.” Silence, he couldn’t even here Lia’s breathing anymore.

“Sorry, what?”

“I’m gay.”

“No trust me, I heard you the first time. Are you messing with me? Cause this isn’t funny. What do you mean you’re gay?”

“It explains itself really.”

“Sirius. Shut the fuck up. So, what? Have you been going around fucking men while I’ve been here minding our kids? Jesus Christ.”

“I said I haven’t cheated.”

Lia scoffed, “How the hell would you know otherwise?” She gets up and pours a glass of wine and drinks it in one go. “What, are you just bored of the life you have now? Need some excitement in the form of a dick, is that it?”

“Don’t be crass, I’ve been trying so hard to deny this for half my life. I want this not to be true, but it is, and I can’t keep pushing it down.”

“Pushing what down? The urge to fuck men?”

“No, the urge to actually fall in love with someone I want to.”

Lia’s face fell and it clicked, “You never loved me. Oh, God I’m so stupid.” She looked up at Sirius and he could see the tears in her eyes, “You know, I heard those rumours about you from school. I mean no one said your name but it doesn’t take much to realise who they were talking about when they used to say the retard from St William’s.” Sirius’ face slacked, “Well, now a retard and a faggot.” With that she walked out of the room and he could hear her go up the stairs. He sat stunned for a few minutes until he hears a shout and then a bang from the hall, “Oh how cute, you already packed a bag.” He heard more bangs and then it stopped and he went out to the hall to investigate.

Lia was standing at the bottom of the stairs, tears streaming down her face, she was looking at him with anger he never knew she could possess, “Have you even thought about how this would affect us as a family? How it’s going to affect the boys?” She put her face in her hands and sat back down on the step, “And now the boys are going to have to be even more ashamed of you as their parent.”

“I know.”

Lia looked up, “Just leave, I want to be alone.” Sirius walked forward and took the bag which was now lying in the hallway, “Don’t go to James and Lily’s, I want the boys to have a nice night.”

Sirius nodded and looked back at Lia’s sitting form, “I’m really sorry.”

“I don’t want an apology, it means nothing.” She looked him in the eyes, “And I want to remind you that you’ve just ruined your only chance of happiness.”

Sirius nodded and walked out the front door, taking one more glance at Lia before closing the door. Once it was closed, he leant back against it and gasped. It was out.


	2. 2

It seemed like a repeat of the night before, except it wasn’t raining. Sirius felt as though he’d been walking for miles with no determinable destination. He saw a red phone booth at the end of the street and made his way to it. He fished some change out of his pocket and first dialled the Potter’s house.

“Hello?” Sirius heard James say through the speaker.

“Hi, J, it’s me.” He replied.

“Sirius, are you ok?” concern evident in his voice.

“Yeah, I don’t know.”

“Where are you? I’ll come and get you.” James was trying to keep his voice as calm as possible, but Sirius could hear the worry.

“No, it’s ok. Lia doesn’t want me at yours tonight. I’ll stay at Reggie’s or something.”

“Are you sure? I can come and bring you to his apartment if you like.”

“No, stay. I think I need some time to myself.” Sirius sighed.

“Ok, stay on the phone a minute and take a breather,” James said, concern still lacing his words.

“Mhmm.” Sirius hummed, he could hear James’ breathing through the receiver and let his own breath follow the pattern. After a few minutes he spoke, “Thanks for that Jamie. I needed that.”

“Hey, I’m here for you and so is Lil. Call us if Regulus doesn’t work out.”

They said their goodbyes and Sirius hung up the phone. He leant against the door of the phone booth and took a few minutes to breathe. He picked up the phone again and dialled Relgulus’ number.

“Hello?” he heard Regulus’ voice come through the receiver. He could also hear other people talking in the background.

“Hi, Regulus, it’s Sirius.”

“Oh, hi. I haven’t heard from you in a while. Is something the matter? Just, I’ve a few people over at the moment.”

“No, it’s fine… eh… I’ll leave you get back to your friends or whatever.”

“Ok, I’ll call you sometime soon. Maybe we could have lunch?”

“Eh, yeah… actually Reggie… any chance I could stay at yours tonight?”

“Oh, I mean, yeah, course… Sirius… is everything ok? You sound a bit off.” Sirius could hear his brother’s voice clearer now.

“I’ve done something, but I don’t think I should tell you over the phone.”

“Where are you? I’ll pick you up.”

Sirius rattled off the street he was on and hung up. He sat outside the phone booth, chain smoking on the curb, waiting for Regulus.

It wasn’t long before Sirius saw Regulus’ grey Mercedes rounding the corner. He waved him over and the car pulled up in front of him. He hopped into the passenger’s seat and greeted his brother.

“Wow, you’ve got a bag and all. Well, fuck, whatever you’ve done must be bad.” Regulus began to drive towards his apartment, “Also why am I the one taking you in, where’s James?”

“I told her I’m gay.”

Regulus choked on spit and looked over startled before pulling in, “I’m sorry, what?”

“I’m not going to repeat myself.” Sirius sighed. Regulus rolled his eyes.

“Sirius, is this some kind of joke? Am I being pranked?”

“Shut up. No, I guess 6th form is coming to bite me in the ass.” Sirius pushed out a breath.

“Hang on, they weren’t rumours?” Sirius shook his head, “Ew, kind of weird.”

“Wow, thanks Reg.”

“I mean Sirius, it’s just wrong. Two men can’t have a normal relationship.” Regulus frowned as he spoke.

“Thanks for reminding, you sound like dad. Just without the swearing and slurs. Do you mind?” Sirius pulled out a packet of cigarettes, Regulus shook his head and put out his hand for one. The both lit their cigarettes and smoked in silence.

“So, what’s going on? You know you can’t live with me. I can only take you for one night.”

“It’s fine, I wouldn’t want you to put yourself out for me Reggie.” He replied sarcastically, “I’ll probably live with James and Lily for a while.”

“Ok, good. Eh, I should probably mention Maman and Papa are also at mine. We just signed a really big deal, so, it’s kind of a celebration dinner. Vanessa, my secretary, organised it.” Regulus replied.

“I know who Vanessa is, I get a card from her from you every Christmas. Congrats I guess, eh… you can leave me out up here. I’m not going over there if they’re there.” Sirius shook his head.

“Don’t be stupid, it’s fine, just don’t mention any of that gay shit to them. You can leave the bag in my car until they’re gone.” He looked over at his brother in the passenger seat.

They drove for another ten minutes until reaching Regulus’ apartment building. Once inside the building Sirius couldn’t help but feel nervous about seeing his parents. He hadn’t seen them since Noah was born and they came to the hospital to see him. They’d only said a few words to Sirius, and he received a nod from his father, the same ‘approval’ nod he’d received when Matthew was born.

They’d reached the door to the apartment before he knew it and suddenly, they were inside. Regulus’ apartment was the epitome of ‘I have no kids and no responsibilities’. There was expensive artwork hanging on the walls and pottery on display, everything was white and sleek. Sirius couldn’t help but feel out of place here. He could hear talking coming from the living room, but they bypassed it and went to the kitchen. His parents were standing by the window, a glass of wine in each of their hands. They turned when Regulus put his keys down on the counter.

“I’ve brought Sirius with me.” Regulus said from behind the kitchen counter. Sirius’ father frowned.

“I hadn’t realised Vanessa invited him.” His father replied and looked over at Sirius, “You’re not really dressed for the occasion.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “I wasn’t invited, don’t worry. I called Reggie to see if I could come over for a bit, he said he was occupied but invited me here anyway.” He said with a shrug. His father turned away and his mother walked over to him and began to fix his shirt collar. She handed him her wine glass and started to straighten his shirt.

“Maman, stop.” Sirius moved from her hands. He was met with a slap to his cheek, he turned, “What was that for?”

“You are so disrespectful, et fumeur. Je te croyais plus intelligent. Évidemment pas.”

Regulus turned to Sirius, “Red or white?”

Sirius turned his head, “Blanc, merci.” His brain slipping into French naturally around his mother. Regulus poured him a glass of wine and handed it to him.

“Why are you out on a Thursday evening? Do you not have any respect for your wife and kids?” Orion turned to his eldest son.

“Eh, James and Lily have the boys for the night and Lia wanted a night to herself.” Sirius’ father satisfied with the answer poured himself another glass of wine and decided to leave the room, their mother in tow. Sirius looked at Regulus, “What a delight, as usual.”

Regulus rolled his eyes, “His point was valid.”

Sirius scoffed, “He has actually turned you into a miniature him.” Sirius took a sip from his wine.

“You’re the only miniature one here.” Regulus shot back.

“Oh, right where it hurts. Great insult Reggie.” Sirius replied with a hand over his heart. Regulus poured himself another glass of wine and went to the kitchen door.

“Please don’t join us. Tonight is important, it’s a company evening and you’re not part of the company. Drink as much wine as you want but just stay in here.” Sirius nodded and Regulus left the room leaving him alone and in silence. He walked around and looked inside the different cabinets before slouching onto one of the breakfast counter chairs. He reached out and took the bottle of wine and poured more into his glass. He sat like that for a while, in silence, wallowing in self-pity.

“Woah, party for one in here?” Sirius jumped at the voice coming from the doorway, he looked up to see a tall, mixed race man standing in the doorway. “Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I didn’t know there was anyone else here. Are you related to Mr. Black?”

Sirius frowned, “I don’t see why that’s any of your business.”

The man put his hands up and smiled. He walked across the kitchen until he was standing on the other side of the counter to Sirius, “Just trying to be friendly,” He paused and picked up a few different wines, looking at the labels. He picked one and then looked back at Sirius, “Are you joining us? We all thought Mr. Black was picking up food when he left, I’m assuming he picked you up.” The man said, still smiling.

“Oh you’re talking about Regulus, ew, why are you calling Reggie Mr. Black. Well fucking weird.” Sirius frowned and the man laughed.

“Sorry, he’s my boss, I don’t know what else to call him.”

“Dickhead Black. He should change it by deed poll to that, it’d be more fitting.” Sirius explained.

“I don’t think he’d like that.” Sirius shook his head in reply. “So, are you coming in to join us?”

“Eh, no. I’m not. I’m happy here with my wine.” The man nodded and walked to the door, he turned one last time and smiled before disappearing out the door.

Sirius sighed and noticed his glass was empty, so he refilled it. As he was taking a drink from the glass, he couldn’t shake the feeling of unease in his stomach. He put the glass down and sat back. He felt nervous all of a sudden and decided to go to the bathroom. He locked the door and leant against the sink. He looked up at his face in the mirror and he could feel his eyesight go fuzzy on the edges, he looked down at his hands and they began to shake so he gripped the sink and closed his eyes. He tried to take deep breathes but he couldn’t get the air into his lungs. He could feel his heart hammering against his chest. He felt hot and his shirt collar felt tight around his throat. His chest hurt and no amount of breaths in was relieving it. He sunk to the floor and crawled back until his back was against the bath. He felt an overwhelming sensation of dread looming, he brought his hand to his hair and began to pull, he could feel the pain but he couldn’t stop. There were tears streaming from his closed eyes. He couldn’t hear anything apart from the blood rushing through his ears. Time seemed to pass slowly but he soon began to hear the sound of voices in the other room. He took a few deep breaths and his throat began to feel more open and the pain in his chest began to decrease. He opened his eyes and wiped his cheeks from the tears. He slowly stood up and looked in the mirror, his eyes were red raw and his hair was a mess. He stumbled out from the bathroom and went to where he knew the spare bedroom was. He closed the door and collapsed onto the bed in exhaustion.

When he woke up the next morning it was still dark outside. He got up and went to the kitchen for a glass of water. He looked around the apartment and went to the living room. There were empty glasses scattered around the room and the dining table had some leftover food still on the table. Sirius took some of the crackers from a plate, not caring that they were a bit stale, and sat down on the couch. He just sat there for an hour until the sun began to rise. He remembered his bag in Regulus’ car and went down for it. He reopened the apartment door to a naked woman in the hallway. She turned and shrieked running into Regulus’ bedroom. His brother appeared a moment later.

“Oh, hi, you’re still here?”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Yes, I was just getting my bag from your car.”

Regulus nodded, “Right… you’ll be gone soon enough though, yeah?”

Sirius nodded, “Can I use your phone?” Regulus nodded back and disappeared back into his bedroom closing the door behind him. Sirius walked back into the kitchen and made his way to the phone and dialled James’ number.

The phone was answered and a voice came through the receiver, “Hello, this is Harry. Daddy told me to answer the phone.”

“Hi Harry, it’s Sirius, is your dad almost there?”

“Mhmm, oh he’s here now, have a nice day Siri.”

“You too, I might see you later.” He heard a shuffle through the phone and Harry tell his father who it was.

“Hi, S, how are you?” Sirius shook his head.

“Not great, is Matty there? Any chance I could talk to him?” Sirius asked, hoping for the comfort of his son’s voice.

“He isn’t, Lia came around 2 last night. She insisted on taking them home. I think she thought you were here. She dropped like eight bags of clothes too.” His friend explained.

“Oh, ok… well I guess I’m officially homeless now.”

“No, you absolutely are not. You live here now, for however long you need.”

Sirius nodded, “Thanks, J, I really appreciate that. I promise it won’t be for that long.”

“None of that, we don’t care how long you need to stay for. You are family and family is always welcome.”

“Well, I better be going, I’ve work in an hour.”

“Ok, well we’ll see you at home later, I’ll leave a key under the plant pot out the front in case you’re home before us.”

Sirius hung up the phone and turned to see his brother leaning against the doorway. “So, you were being serious last night? You really are gay?” Sirius nodded, “I mean, that’s so weird. Like you’ve been with Lia so long. So, it’s really over?”

Sirius shrugged, “I mean, yeah. I can’t exactly stay with her now, can I?”

“Suppose not, no.” He looked down the hallway and then back to Sirius, “Do you need a lift anywhere? I’m dropping Sinead home before work.” Sirius shook his head.

“No, I’ve to go to the office this morning to be assigned somewhere.” Sirius waved his hand in vague explanation.

“Ok, well I’m going to shower. You’ll probably be gone when I get out, so I’ll see you around.”

Sirius nodded and his brother disappeared back out the door. Sirius made his way back to the spare bedroom and stripped the bed sheets before getting changed. He pulled on his usual work pants, paint covering it haphazardly and a t-shirt and jacket. He pulled on his work boots and shoved his clothes and shoes from the night before into the bag. He went out to the hall and called a quick goodbye before walking out the door and leaving it swing closed behind him. He walked outside and got the tube to the depot.

He arrived outside the depot and said hello to the few standing on the footpath smoking, “There he is, the poshest prick around.” An arm was slung around his shoulder and he looked up to see Anthony, one of his co-workers, “So where were you Wednesday night, your bird was lookin’ all over for ya.” Sirius moved out from under his arm, walked over to his locker and shoved his bag inside.

“Well, I’m here now. That’s all that matters.”

“Did you forget to leave your second wife? Too busy pounding her into the mattress to go home.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Fuck off, it was your girlfriend actually, she couldn’t get over how much bigger my dick was to yours.” A few of the guy laughed and Sirius walked away over to the manager, Johnny’s office. He was a tall broad-shouldered man, he had a mean streak but was a genuinely nice guy. He knocked and walked in, “Hi Johnny, just wondering where I am working today?”

Johnny looked up from his newspaper, “Oh, Sirius, thought you’d done a runna’ on Wednesday.” Sirius frowned, “You’re in the warehouse today, there’s a delivery comin’ la’er this morning and I need two guys to stay behind to do it, I wouldn’t ‘ave chosen ya but you’re the last person ‘ere so you kinda got the short end of the stick I’m afraid.” Sirius stayed standing at the door, “Is there som’ing else you need?”

“No that’s all, eh, who am I with?”

“Oh right, sorry. Eh…” He flipped his newspaper to the side, “Greg, ‘e’s got ‘is car with ‘im if ya need a lift up there.” Sirius nodded and went over to where Greg was sitting with a few of the other men in the makeshift kitchen they had.

Sirius made himself a cup of coffee and leant against the counter catching bits and pieces of the conversation the four guys were having at the table. “Hey, Greg, do you mind if I get a lift with you up to the warehouse?”

“Oh, are you on deliveries with me? Yeah, sure no problem.” Greg turned back to the table and began talking to the other men again. Even though Sirius had been working there for over 8 years at this point he still didn’t feel like he fit in. Most of the men working there had either started their career here right when they turned 16 or else had followed their fathers into the building trade. Sirius had taken the job as a last option and most of the guys knew this. They often looked down on the fact that this man with a 1st grade education had taken one of the jobs up for offer and they let him know this quite a bit.

When 9am rolled around everyone started moving about to get ready to leave for their first job of the day. Sirius followed Greg up the street to a Volkswagen Passat. The drive up to the warehouse took 20 minutes and the majority of it was spent in silence with a few comments about something said on the radio. Once they got out of the car at the warehouse they were greeted by a few others who were there.

“You ever done deliveries before?”

Sirius shook his head, “No, first time.”

“Pretty simple really. We’ve a big one today, we should be back by 1 at the latest though. It’s a nice enough job for a Friday, get home to the wife and kids early.” Greg smiled, “So the first delivery of paints is coming in at 10, all we need to do is to help unload the van that comes, the guys will take care of bringing it inside and then we’ve just got to count everything that comes in. Eh here…” He fished his hand into his jacket pocket and pulled out a series of crumpled pages and handed them to Sirius, “This is the first delivery list. I’ll take care of the paperwork and you can count. It’s a pretty easy job, a bit boring but what can you do?” He took the lists back from Sirius and put them back in his pocket, “We better tell Jack we’re here, he’s the warehouse manager, then we can go for smoke.” Sirius nodded and followed Greg inside.

They were met by a stout man with grey har a receding hairline. He was gruff and huffed in affirmation at whatever Greg told him. He didn’t seem to care what Greg said and just walked off without a word. The two men went outside again and stood against the wall smoking a cigarette each. “Greg, you’re divorced right?”

Greg hummed, “I am indeed, best and worst mistake of my life.” He looked over at Sirius, “Trouble in paradise? You’ve got a baby, right? Maybe now’s not the right time to be thinking about divorce, you don’t want to kill the woman.”

“I’m not going to be the one filing it, she is.”

“Oh, well… good luck. It’ll be a shit couple of months ahead for you…” he took a drag from his cigarette, “Did you cheat? I know the others make jokes about you having a second wife with all your money.”

Sirius huffed, “Nah, nothing like that, probably worse, depending on how you look at it. I don’t even have money, my father does, and he makes sure I can’t touch any of it.”

Greg nodded, “Well, get ready to sign a shit tonne of papers and I hope it ends on amicable terms for your sake or else you’ll have to go to court for you kids too. That court is never fun, they hate men.”

“Hmm, yeah it’s going to go there. Not exactly hopeful for that one.”

Greg gave him a pat on the shoulder, “Well, good luck to you.”

The two men worked together for the rest of the day and finished at 1. They both headed back to the depot. Greg didn’t get out of the car, just dropped Sirius and left again. Sirius went to the shop and bought lunch and went back inside to the depot to eat. There were a few others inside, but people were mostly onsite leaving the place look fairly deserted. He sat at the table eating in silence until the chair across from him was sat in. Sirius looked up to see Samuel, one of the men from accounts, he smiled and went back down to eating.

“Cute baby, isn’t he?” Sirius glanced up to see a picture of the newborn prince Harry on display on the newspaper’s front page.

Sirius shrugged, “I suppose, aren’t all baby’s the same though, cute from the outside but a terror at home?”

Samuel laughed, “Very sinical but very true. You have kids, don’t you?” Sirius nodded, “How old are they?”

“The oldest is 5 and my other is 4 months.”

“Oh sweet, good ages. You think you’re going to have any more or are you both finished?”

Sirius scratched his neck, “I would like more but we’re finished. You got any yourself?”

Samuel smiled, “I’m not meant to tell anyone yet, but my wife is pregnant, our first, we’re over the moon, so excited.”

Sirius looked at his empty cup and got up, “Congrats, good luck with it, remember to get plenty of sleep before they arrive.” Samuel thanked him and Sirius decided it was time for him to make his way home.

He got the tube to James’ stop and walked to the house. Both James’ and Lily’s cars weren’t outside so he assumed they weren’t home. He got the key from outside the door and went inside. There were plastic bags of clothes at the bottom of the stairs, he took them upstairs and left them in the spare bedroom. He sat on the bed for a few minutes before changing clothes and retreating back down the stairs to the living room. He turned on the tv to a daytime game show and sat waiting for one of the Potters to arrive home.

Lily was the first home, she walked in the front door with a sleeping Harry in her arms. She came into the living room and placed him on the couch with a “life is so hard when you’re five” and a laugh. She gave Sirius a pat on his shoulder and left him alone with a sleeping Harry.

James came home around half an hour later. He was still in his suit from work, but his tie was undone and his shirt looked dishevelled. He slumped down on an armchair and sighed. He noticed Harry on the chair next to Sirius and smiled in amusement, “Jeez they must be working him hard if he’s passed out this early,” he looked at the clock on the mantle piece, “I better wake him up so he’ll actually sleep like a normal human tonight.” He went over and crouched next to Harry and gentle shook his shoulder. The five year old woke up with a small whine and then climbed into his father’s arms. James looked back at Sirius, “You have a good day?”

Sirius shrugged, “I suppose, work wasn’t too hard, there was a delivery today, so I was just sorting that with another guy.”

“You haven’t tried Lia, have you?” Sirius shook his head, “Mate, she was raging last night. As in she tried to hit Lil when she refused to let Matthew and Noah go with her at first, called her a b-i-t-c-h and all.” Sirius’ eyes widened.

“I’m so sorry. I don’t even know how to call her. She’ll hang up the minute I say who it is. Surely she can’t stop me from contacting my kids too.”

James shrugged, “No she can’t, you both have equal right to them as long as your marriage is intact. But, Sirius, I’m not hopeful that she’s going to be lenient on custody rulings.”

Sirius put his head back, “God, I’ve just ruined my life.”

“No, you haven’t, in the long run this is going to be the right choice for you. You just have to wait and see. Your happiness and sanity are more important than anything.”

“Happiness makes the world turn, that’s what our teacher always says to us. That’s why we have to try and make everyone happy and not be mean.” Harry said from his father’s shoulder.

“You’ve got one smart teacher Haz.” Sirius replied to the boy. Harry climbed off his father’s lap and announced he was going to find his ‘mummy’.

James looked across to Sirius, “I want to remind you, you’re welcome to stay here as long as you want. We want you here, before you say you don’t want to be a burden or something, you’re not.”

“Thanks, J. I’ll help pay bills and stuff, I promise.”

The night was uneventful with the four of them eating dinner and Harry slightly confused why his uncle was having another ‘sleepover’. After Harry went to bed, James opened a bottle of wine and the three of them sat in the living room with the telly on low. Lily was reading a book on her armchair and James and Sirius were having a very intense game of Draughts when the phone rang. Lily hopped up quickly to avoid it possibly waking up Harry, she appeared back in the door a minute later. “Eh, Sirius? It’s Matthew.” Sirius hopped up off his spot on the couch and almost knocked Lily over going for the phone.

“Matty?”

“Daddy?” Sirius could tell he had been crying. His heart hurt in his chest at this.

“Hi, bud. You ok?” He sat on the chair next to the phone. James and Lily closed the living room door to give him privacy.

“Why are you not at home? Mummy said you don’t live here anymore. But why? Do you not want to live with us anymore?” He choked on a sob.

“Hey no, I always want to live with you. I love you so much. Mummy and Daddy have had a falling out. We’ve decided not to live together anymore, but I promise we’re all still a family and I love you so much.”

“Mmm, but can’t we still live in the same house. I miss you when you’re not here.”

Sirius wiped his eyes, “I miss you when I’m not with you too. But no, we can’t live together anymore…” there’s no response on the other end of the phone. “Matty how about we go and do something, just the two of us, maybe on Sunday, after mass?”

“Can we? Can we go to the park to see the ducks?”

“Yeah, I’ll try. Is mummy there?”

“Yeah, she said she doesn’t want to talk to you though…” Sirius could hear a muffled voice and then movement. “Mummy says I have to go to bed now.”

“Ok, Matty, tell her James will pick you up on Sunday for mass…” he heard his son relay the information.

“She said ok, I love you daddy.”

“I love you too, give Noah a kiss and a hug in the morning from me, ya?”

“Ok, night night.” There was more movement and then the phone was hung up. Sirius sat there for a few more minutes before going back into the living room. James turned to him.

“Do you want a hug?” Sirius just nodded and walked into his friends outstretched arms. “Was Matthew ok?”

Sirius shrugged, “He doesn’t understand that I won’t be living there anymore. I told him I’d take him to mass on Sunday and then to see the ducks.”

“That’ll be nice, you can explain everything better to him then.” Sirius nodded, “Come on, we’ve got a game to finish”

Saturday went slowly and Sirius did nothing but stress about collecting Matthew on Sunday morning. When he and James pulled up to the street at 11:30 James was the first to speak. “Alright, are you sure you’re not coming up?”

“Should I? I mean she wouldn’t even let me talk to her on Friday night to organise this.”

“Come up anyway. You need to normalise this, this is going to be the new normal for you and your kids.”

Sirius nodded and the two men made their way up to the house and up the steps. James knocked and they both waited. Lia answered the door. She didn’t even glance at Sirius and greeted James before calling Matthew. The three adults waited awkwardly at the door. “Can I say hello to Noah?”

Lia looked at him for the first time, “No. He’s sleeping.” And turned away. Sirius slumped. It wasn’t long before Matthew appeared at the door, usual shirt and pants for mass and a small backpack on his back. He launched himself at Sirius.

“Hi daddy. I’m so excited for today!”

“Me too, bud.” Sirius put him down and looked back to Lia, “Thank you again for this.”

“Whatever, have him back for 4, my parents are coming for dinner and I want him home before they come.” She bent down to Matthew, “I’ll see you later little man. Have fun with the ducks!” Matthew hugged her and they said goodbye.

Once Sirius and James got Matthew settled in the car James began driving them towards the church. He dropped them outside and drove on. Mass was the usual affair of trying to keep Matthew sitting still while Sirius reflected and listened to the words of the priest. As he was sitting there he couldn’t help but feel different than he did when he’d last entered the Church on the Wednesday afternoon. He somehow felt exposed in some way, as if everyone around him knew something about him. He was glad to step out after Mass was over, Matthew’s hand clutched in his. Sirius stopped in the shop to buy lunch before continuing to the park.

The father and son sat on a bench, full view of the lake and ducks and ate their sandwiches, “Daddy? Do you think the ducks would like some of my sandwich?”

Sirius laughed, “No, I think they’d want you to eat all of it yourself.”

“Ok, but what if they’re hungry?”

“Matty, they have their own food,” He pointed at one of the ducks putting its head under the water, “See, that one is finding food under the water.” The boy seemed satisfied with this and went back to eating his sandwich.

Once they’d finished eating Matthew pulled out some pens and paper, handing a few to his dad. Sirius looked at him amused, “We’re going to see who can draw better ducks,” Matthew gave him a smile. The two of them sat for a while drawing the ducks.

Matthew looked over at his father’s drawing and frowned, “Why is your drawing so much better than mine?” He huffed and crossed his arms.

Sirius looked over at his son and smiled, “Just takes practice, I’ve been drawing since I was your age, that’s over 20 years. You’re a lot better than I was at your age though.” He picked up his own drawing, “How about you take mine and practice from it.” Matthew took the picture and seemed satisfied. “I think that’s enough drawing for today, how about we go for a little walk?”

The both walked around the lake, stopping for a while at the playground. Matthew came back over to his dad after trying all of the play areas and Sirius looked down at his watch, “We’ve got about an hour until you have to go home, will we get ice cream?” Matthew nodded.

“Are you coming home too?”

“No Matty, I’m not.” Matthew looked up at his father with sad eyes and Sirius bent down to speak to him, “I’m probably not going to live at home with you guys again… hey, no don’t cry.” he wiped the tears that were now starting to fall from Matthew’s eyes.

“But why can’t you just come home? I want you to come home daddy.” Matthew threw his arms around Sirius’ neck and began to sob, “You have to come home, we were going to get a doggy.”

“I know, we still can, but not right now. I want to come home with you too, but I can’t.”

“But why not? Mummy is sad, she said you made her sad and didn’t love her anymore. Do you not love me anymore either?”

“You listen to me, I love you and Noah more than anything in the world.” Sirius looked around and spotted a bench, he picked Matthew up and sat down on the bench with him on his lap, “Look… I need to explain something to you,” Sirius looked down at his teary-eyed son, “And it’s really important so you need to be a big boy and listen. Understand?” Matty sniffed and nodded, then sat up a bit straighter on his father’s lap. “So, you know men and women get married when they fall in love, right?”

“Yeah, like you and mummy.”

“Well, mummy and I got married really young because we found out that you were coming along. But I’ve been feeling really sad for a long time and I didn’t know why…”

“Did you need a hug? Hugs always make me smile.”

“A bit sadder than that. I love your mummy, but not the way that I should. So, I thought about it, for a really long time and then I realised that I don’t like women, that I like men instead, which means I’m gay.”

“But I thought only girls and boys can kiss and get married.”

“Not all the time. Some people like girls, others like boys and some like both.” Matthew frowned at the information.

“Are the sick people on the tv gay? They said that gay people get sick. Are you sick daddy?”

Sirius shook his head, “No, I’m not sick. You shouldn’t be listening to that news, it’s not for 5 year olds to listen to.”

“Will you still be my daddy?”

“I’ll always be you and Noah’s daddy, no matter what, even if I don’t live with you. Don’t let anyone tell you anything different.” Sirius pulled Matthew up to him and hugged him, “Do you want to ask me anything else?”

“Can two boys make babies too?”

Sirius smiled, “No, they can’t.”

“Oh, I don’t really like girls either, they’re yucky. Am I gay too?”

Sirius ruffled his son’s hair, “You don’t need to know that just yet, wait until you’re older and you can figure it out.” Sirius looked down at his watch, “Come on, let’s get you that ice cream, and then we need to get you back home, Nana and Granda are having dinner with you tonight.”

They got ice cream before getting the tube back to the house and they waited at the door until Lia answered. When the door opened she greeted Matthew and pulled him inside without a glance at Sirius and told him to get changed for dinner. “Can I come in to say hi to Noah?”

Lia looked back at him, “No, he’s sleeping.”

“I won’t wake him up. I just want to see him.”

“I said no. Now leave, my parents are going to be here soon.”

Sirius frowned, “Lia, you can’t stop me from seeing my child.”

“Well, you should have thought about that before you decided you were gay all of a sudden.” Sirius could see the anger behind her eyes as she squared him up with her arms crossed. “My parents are going to be here in about 20 minutes and tonight is not going to be a pleasant one, thanks to you. So, please, just leave. I’ve still half the dinner to cook.”

Sirius nodded, “Can I come by next week again?”

“I don’t know, we might be busy.”

Sirius nodded. “Ok, I’m really sorry again, Lia.” Lia rolled her eyes and closed the door leaving Sirius standing there.

Sirius turned and walked down the street, he kept his head down and put his hands in his pockets. He didn’t look up until he heard a car horn and looked over to find James driving slowly beside him, “Get in.”

Sirius hopped in the car, “You didn’t have to collect me.”

“It’s fine, I had to get some things for dinner anyway.” James smiled at him, “Mum and dad are staying for dinner, mum’s cooked some Biryani. She’s really happy you’re joining us, they’ve not seen you in ages.” Sirius nodded and they sat in silence, “Why do you seem nervous all of a sudden? It’s only Mina and Monty, they love you more than me.”

Sirius looked down at his hands, “Do I have to tell them?”

James smiled, “No, that’s the thing. You get to choose when you feel safe to come out to people now, it’s all up to you, no one can force you to say or admit anything because it’s not their story to tell.”

Sirius nodded and opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to think of the right words, “Thanks James… you’re being really nice.”

“Am I not always nice?” He replied amused.

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Ugh no, like you’re just being really good to me, Lily too. Just it means a lot.” James looked over and smiled. They reached the house soon after and both men made their way inside. They were met with the smell of spices drifting through the house and Sirius could smell Effie’s perfume lingering in the hallway. He relaxed at the smell, it comforted him. The kitchen door opened and James’ dad’s head appeared. He smiled big and walked out into the hall.

“Ah, Sirius, I haven’t seen you in so long. You are looking well!” Sirius greeted the man with a handshake and the three men made their way into the kitchen. Inside both Lily and Mina were standing by the cooker cooking. Lily turned and greeted them and took the shopping bag that James had in his hand.

“Oh, Sirius, we need to get a good meal into you! You’re looking too peaky. Some nice hot biryani will help I’m sure.” Mina said as she walked over to him and gave him a hug. She was wearing a blue saari, her usual family dinner attire. “Why don’t you and Jamie set the table?”

The two men set the table and poured everyone a drink. Harry appeared after a short time and went to his grandfather to have a very animated conversation about school. The five of them ate dinner with a good flow of conversation.

Sirius offered to wash up after dinner and Mina stayed to help him. He washed as she dried and they worked in a comfortable silence. “You know you can tell me anything, my love. Monty and I are here to support you, just like Jamie and Lily.” She smiled at him.

“Yeah I know. Thank you, I’m ok though.” Sirius said, relieved his voice stayed solid.

“You just look sad, I know it’s not my place to say, but you almost broke James’ heart back when it all happened 5 years ago. Make sure you keep enough of the light and happy things in your life so you can see through the darkness.” She put her arm around his middle and gave his back a little pat.

Sirius nodded and gave her a small smile, “Lia and I are getting a divorce, well it’s heading in that direction.” Sirius said slowly.

Mina gave him a sad look, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that sweetie. Is that why you’re staying here?”

Sirius nodded, “Yeah James and Lily are letting me live here for a while.” He scratched the back of his neck and took a few moments. Mina took his hand and gave it a squeeze.

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. If you feel like you want a break from the city for a bit, mine and Monty’s house in Cornwall is always open for you to use.”

“Thank you, that means a lot. I appreciate it.”

“Why don’t we go in and join the others?”

“I’m gay… oh I don’t know why I said it like that. Sorry.” Sirius burst out, he looked over to Mina to try and read her face. She walked over and took his hands in her own and squeezed.

“Thank you for telling me that. I hope you can find some happiness now, my love.” She looked into his eyes and could see tears forming, “Don’t you cry my dear, there’s no need. Monty and I and James and Lily all love you very much. Now, come here for a hug.” He moved into her open arms and allowed the warmth to envelop him. He closed his eyes and breathed in her perfume, he felt safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why did that take so long to write, honest to god, props to anyone who updates regularily. I've not written anything that isn't a Scientific paper since my state exams in 2018 so my writing technique is fairly rusty. Any french speakers that wanna help a gal out with the franҫais your help would be greatly appreciated because apparently 6 years of French has rendered me with barely the knowledge of how to say how old I am. Honestly English speaking countries are the WORST at teaching other languages.   
> Any who hope you enjoyed the chapter. Honestly no clue what I'm writing about, if you're confused, don't worry, so am I.


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